Home  Helping the Bereaved
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When a child in your school is bereaved |
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Written by TCF (UK)
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Wednesday, 07 December 2005 |
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When a child in your school is bereaved
The Compassionate Friends is an organisation of bereaved parents and therefore this leaflet is based upon a child's loss of a sister or brother. TCF hopes that it will help schools to reflect upon the needs of these families, and perhaps those bereaved in other ways.
Supporting children who have suffered a death in the family
In the primaryschool
In the past, people have sometimes underestimated the impact of death upon young children. While it is true that their understanding of death develops over a prolonged period of time, it is clear that young children suffer deeply from the death of a member of their family. This suffering is more intense when they do not have opportunities to talk or to grieve openly, and do not feel that those close to them recognise their feelings - even though they themselves may not yet have the words to express them.
Reactions to bereavement include withdrawal, open distress, tears, panic, aggression, anxiety, fear and other signs of stress. Bereaved children may act out this stress in unexpected ways, such as nervous giggling, stoical bravery, untypical aggression, becoming the class clown, or total denial - all these are normal grief reactions. They may also become extremely tired, to the point of exhaustion, as so much emotional energy goes into dealing with the loss and the stress of changed family circumstances. For some children, there may be additional terrors; if the death has been referred to as ‘falling asleep' or ‘being taken' then it is logical for children to become afraid of going to bed or to sleep. Words like “loss” or “lost” can put fear into a young child's mind too.
How the school can help
It is essential that all staff know about the bereavement, including ancillary staff (for example, the dinner ladies) so that they can respond sensitively.
It may be appropriate for the class teacher to talk to the class, to create opportunities for them to ask questions and discuss how they can help their bereaved classmate. On the child's return to school, the teacher may be able to help the child talk to the class about what has happened. Even close friends may need encouraging to voice difficult feelings, to say “I'm sorry your brother died”. One of the key ‘hurts' which bereaved children recall is the feeling that few people, if any, acknowledged their loss.
Most children welcome the opportunity to talk privately to one adult about their loss. Even if the child cannot verbalise her or his feelings, it is helpful for a trusted teacher to show sympathy (without saying “I know how you feel”), and to use words like sad, lonely, upset, afraid, so that the child realises the school knows about the death. The family may be so overwhelmed by the trauma that little individual acknowledgement is given to the child's feelings.
Some children need a retreat, a ‘safe place' when grief overtakes them. They may need to weep uncontrollably, to shout, to stamp or scream, to thump a cushion, or just be sad and silent. It helps if school can accept their need to express their grief, and provide a trusted adult to be with them.
Books, stories, music and art can be very helpful in exploring loss, both with the class and with the bereaved child. Sensitivity is needed so that deep grief is not triggered at an inappropriate time. For example, a school assembly using the book Badger's Parting Gifts might help the school to explore grief and loss, but not when a newly-bereaved child is present.
While the school may not wish to intrude on intense personal grief, most families appreciate direct communication, even a visit, from the school. It is helpful to share concerns and for parents to know how a child is coping in school.
The grief caused by the death will be very long-lasting, and schools need to recognise that anniversaries and celebrations will be difficult - especially the first birthday and Christmas. It will help if these key dates and times are noted and passed on to the next class teacher or next school, along with other records and information. As children mature, the death is felt and questioned at new levels, both emotionally and intellectually, often causing renewed grief and distress.
Classmates, especially close friends, of the child who has died will suffer varying grief reactions. Their teacher(s), who will also be feeling the loss and may be experiencing bereavement for the first time, will need the support of their colleagues at this time.
If the dead child was also a pupil at the school, their books and work should be kept carefully and returned to the family by a teacher at an appropriate time.
In the secondaryschool
Much of the above applies equally to older children; however, while being older may make it easier to comprehend the permanence of death, additional burdens affect the adolescent. Family relationships may already be strained by approaching adulthood, and the bereavement may bring older children added responsibilities.
Embarrassment may make it hard for teenagers to acknowledge deep feelings at school, at the very time when they most need such release. Much will depend on the quality of the relationship which a class or pastoral tutor has with the pupil. The worst thing that the school can do is to keep silent, failing to acknowledge the loss and the pain. Friends may need encouragement to talk openly about the death. Sometimes boys find it especially hard to express their sympathy in words. These issues should be less difficult when the school has a teaching programme which includes regular work on loss, death, emotions and life skills (whether in tutor group periods, Religious or Personal and Social Education).
School staff need to accept that there are many different ways of grieving; pupils may develop their own support structures and choose not to share these with an adult.
How the school can help (in addition to the suggestions in the Primary section)
Communication is a vital issue. School policies should cover systems for sharing information about personal traumas with all those who have contact with the pupil.
It is helpful to have a key member of staff to take direct responsibility for talking to the pupil (and to their friends), to be available when needed, to make crisis contingency arrangements, and to pass on information to relevant people.
Other pupils can act as a link between their friend and the key person if difficult situations arise; they can also share concerns about the bereaved pupil with this particular member of staff. However, they may need help in supporting their friend; this could be the first time they have been closely involved with bereavement.
There may be a great need for a safe retreat in the wider world of secondary school, a refuge to spend time with a close friend when emotions overwhelm.
School routines, sport and homework may actually offer protection and normality to a grieving teenager, especially when the family home is in turmoil. However, grief brings additional problems of both exhaustion and concentration which may affect their work for some time to come.
Communication with the family is still important, though it may be less direct or frequent when children are older. It is necessary to remember the bereavement on occasions such as Open Evening, when progress is discussed. The taking of exams, or some of them, may need to be postponed until a pupil is better able to cope with the additional stress. Long-term awareness and communication are necessary as the pupil progresses through the school, especially when large numbers of contact adults are involved.
School responses to tragedies involving the sudden death of one or more pupils
While all the issues raised earlier will apply, sudden death within the school community raises whole-school issues which need careful thought and consideration. Increasingly, schools consider such policies in advance, and some LEAs offer guidance and specific support. The key issues seem to be:
• the need to tell all pupils and staff exactly what has happened so that rumour is dispelled and everyone is in possession of the facts. Class, year group, or whole-school assembly is usually the most appropriate way to do this;
• direct communication by letter with parents informing them of the situation and alerting them to the distress their children may be suffering;
• pastoral/emotional support for those most closely affected;
• the need for prepared strategies to prevent the media causing additional stress or disruption;
• the need to give thought to the attendance of pupils and staff at the funeral(s);
• the healing effects of a later occasion when the school community can come together to remember, mourn and celebrate the individual(s), so that the tragedy can become incorporated into the life of the school;
• the setting-up of a permanent memorial such as an award, a tree, or special place helps to acknowledge the event in a forward-looking way.
Education for loss, death and grief
Teachers of younger children can use opportunities such as the death of a pet, finding a dead spider, or flowers dying in a vase to discuss the natural cycle of life and death. There are many excellent books to support such teaching, although it is then necessary to make the connection with death explicit in discussion, developing this further in secondary school. If schools are willing to embrace these issues, then children and staff will not be unprepared if they are faced with a bereavement.
The school which has considered the issues discussed in this leaflet will be better prepared and able to support their pupils if tragedy strikes. When loss and death are part of integrated teaching programmes, when staff have formulated policies and discussed their own responses to bereavement, when the need to acknowledge feelings and emotions is an accepted part of the school ethos, then instinctively the school community will be supportive towards a bereaved child and his or her family.
The Compassionate Friends
53 North Street
Bristol
BS3 1EN
Office Tel: 0845 120 3785 Fax: 0845 120 3786
Helpline Tel: 0845 123 2304
Suggested Reading:
These books may be obtained from the TCF Postal Library
Infant/Junior
Am I still a sister? Alicia Sims
Big A & Co, 1986. ISBN 0-9618995-0-6
Badger's parting gifts Susan Varley
HarperCollins, 1992. ISBN 000 664 3175
* Beginnings and endings, with LIFETIMES in between B. Mellonie & R. Ingpen
Belitha Press, 1997. ISBN 1-85561-760-9
†Has someone you know died? Grace Jordan and Kate Rodway - a pocket book for children
Bereavement Care, 1997. ISBN unknown
Remembering Mum G. Perkins & L. Morris
A & C Black, 1996. ISBN 0-7136-4432-X
* Remembering my brother Ginny Perkins
A & C Black, 1996. ISBN 0-7136-4541-5
* Waterbugs and dragonflies Doris Stickney
Mowbray, 1997. ISBN 0 264 66904 5
Junior/Secondary
Charlotte's web E. B. White
Penguin, 1993. ISBN 014 036 4498
How it feels when a parent dies Jill Krementz
Gollancz, 1991. ISBN 0-575-05183-3
My brother Joey died Gloria Houston
TCF (USA), 1982. ISBN 0-671-42401-7
When someone dies: help for young people coping with grief Dwaine Steffes
Cruse Bereavement Care, 1997 (student edition). ISBN 0 900 321 113
Your friend, Rebecca Linda Hoy
Heinemann Educational, 1992. ISBN 043 512 3882
Teachers
* Forgotten mourners, The: Susan Smith - guidelines for working with bereaved children
Jessica Kingsley, 1999 (2nd edition). ISBN 1 85302 758 8
Good Grief - No. 2: Over 11s and adults Barbara Ward
Jessica Kingsley, 1995 (2nd edition). ISBN 1 85302 340 X
Homemade books to help kids cope: Robert Ziegler - an easy to learn technique for parents and professionals
Magination Press (USA), 1992. ISBN 0-945354-50-9
Talking with children and young people about death and dying Mary Turner
Jessica Kingsley, 1999. ISBN 1 85302 563 1
When someone dies: how schools can help bereaved students Dwaine Steffes
Cruse Bereavement Care, 1997 (teachers' edition). ISBN 0 900321 10 5
These leaflets are protected by Copyright © 2000 var d=new Date(); yr=d.getFullYear(); if (yr!=2000) document.write("- "+yr); - 2005 by The Compassionate Friends (UK). You may print off one copy now for personal use only. One or more printed copies can be ordered from our order page should you wish to pass our publications on to someone else. Thank you. |
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Chapter Meeting
Our monthly support group meeting is the heart of TCF. These gatherings provide a caring environment in which bereaved parents and adult siblings can talk freely about the emotions and experiences they are going through and receive the understanding support of others who have "been there." Read more.
TCF Principles
TCF offers friendship and understanding to bereaved parents. TCF believes that bereaved parents can help each other toward a positive resolution of their grief. TCF reaches out to all bereaved parents across barriers of religion, race, income or ethnic group. TCF understands that every bereaved parent has individual needs and rights. TCF helps bereaved parents primarily through local chapters. TCF chapters belong to their members. TCF chapters are coordinated nationally to extend help to each other and to individual bereaved parents everywhere. Read more on Our Principles
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